


Death Was Mine Once

by Mistress of Solitude (utterlyheartbroken)



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Angst, Dark, Gen, Sad, Slight Character Study, Suicidal Thoughts, mentions of alternate realities, suicidal character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-10
Updated: 2014-02-10
Packaged: 2018-01-11 21:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1178350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/utterlyheartbroken/pseuds/Mistress%20of%20Solitude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Dick realizes that Jason doesn't want to live anymore, and everything makes too much sense, that it just....hurts to breathe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death Was Mine Once

 

> _'There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.'_ **— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow**

  


* * *

 

"I want you to..."

 

That's when it hits Dick hard, as he realizes that Jason wants this, he wants them to permanently stop him, he wants them to kill him, because he wasn't supposed to be alive. Jason was supposed to be dead. And it dawns on Dick that, that's what Jason had been wanting all this time, to die, but by his own hand, his own undoing, he'd wanted to push them to this point.

  
And- **oh**.

 

_Jason wants to die._

 

It echoes, like a reminder, like a warning, and it tugs and tugs on Dick's heart as if Jason himself had wedged a knife in there, as if this was him hearing about Jason's death all over again, and it kills him, because even though him and Jason have had their rough times, he'd loved the boy like a younger brother, Jason was proof that one could survive Crime Alley, being surrounded in Gotham's darkness all his life, and still being so.... _good._ That had been before Jason had come back from the dead, filled with so much hatred and rage, and yet, the good lingered in Jason, in the way he protected women and children so vehemently, and was so gentle with them.

 

It was suffocating to watch those moments, because it reminded Dick of the 14 year old boy, who’d dragged him out of the manor, so they could patrol together. They’d returned with slight bruises, but Dick doesn’t forget how wide and crooked Jason’s grin had been, nor does he dare forget how he’d cradled a blonde prostitute so gently, after brutally beating up her assailants.

  
Just as the pain and self-loathing flickered away so suddenly, from Jason’s once so-vibrant teal eyes, they darkened with rage, and Dick realizes _-for the first time-_ that it’s not directed at him, but at Jason himself, for exposing that bit of emotion to Dick. His next punch has more force, but Dick manages to block it effectively, though it had slightly hurt, and wonders why Jason was suddenly using his left arm for punching Dick, Jason was right-handed, and even though he could use both hands in combat quite efficiently, Jason had a tendency to start his punches with his right hand, before switching to the left.

  
And then, he begins to notice the lack of Jason's use of his right arm, and how his body is leaning on his right leg, more than the left. And Dick feels the smell of blood, sweat, and leather hit him hard all at once, as Jason turns to try and jab his elbow at Dick, the movement more shaky than sharp, and Dick's not used to this Jason, and he can't fight him, can't understand why he'd want to continue this, when it was obvious that Jason was injured.

  
But it was Jason, and Jason wanted this; Dick didn't even need to question why.

 

Jason hated this life, because it wasn't the life that was ripped away from him, it was a life forcefully handed to him, it makes Dick almost wonder if Jason had died in other universes and come back, and it scares him to think that, maybe, this is the _only_ one where Jason did. And Jason had wanted otherwise.

 

And Dick remembers the echo of Jason's words, about two weeks back in a dark alley in Bludhaven. He remembers the bitter-yet-sad tone Jason had, as the rain hammered down heavily that night.

 

 _"People like me aren't meant for good Dick. We're the taint and filth that Gotham sprouts out. We're meant for nothing, but death and misery."_ before he continued with an insult and another jab at Bruce  & Damian, making Dick attack in retaliation, as Jason aimed for a swift kick from below. He hadn't wanted to start fighting Jason then, confused at the younger boy's words, but angry at the accident that Jason had caused earlier, by sending 5 thugs to the hospital, and leaving the 7th in a comatose state, the 6th dead from internal bleeding. He wasn't sure if Jason meant for the man to die, but he'd been angry, because Jason was on his territory then, and he didn't like outsiders who invited themselves over, and caused damage in _his_ city.

Dick wonders, if Jason wants Dick to hurt him to a point of no return, to where Jason can die alone of his injuries and no one would find out. 

 

It scares him-this side of Jason, that is so desperate for death to claim him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if I'll continue this anytime soon, but I'm definitely sure that it will only get sadder and more depressing. I'd love to know what you think about it, please leave a comment if you can.


End file.
